Frugal envy. . . .

A friend of mine always wears the most current, trendy fashions. My coworker has her hair professionally cut, colored and styled, every six weeks. My neighbors across the street just brought home a shiny new car. My brother and his wife are taking off for an Italian vacation this summer. All of this results in at least a little twinge of envy: I want some new clothes; I want a new car; I want a European vacation. Unfortunately, the only way I can achieve any of these things at this moment is to use my credit cards, which I’ve vowed not to do.

In deciding to take charge of my finances and live a more frugal lifestyle six months ago, my first challenge was in getting a handle on my spending. Sure, I cut my grocery bill, canceled cable, and switched to a cheaper wireless plan---all in the name of increasing savings and decreasing debt. But the truly difficult step was taking a look at my ‘vices’ (clothes and shoes, and to a lesser degree, furniture) and figuring out how to stop craving them so desperately. Invariably, I would binge-shop, using my credit card to purchase things that I thought would make me happy, only to find later that the satisfaction was fleeting.

In decreasing this unwanted behavior, I needed first to understand it. And as I thought about WHY I needed closets full of clothes and a home that was ‘just so’, I discovered that I tended to compare myself and my things to others---and if my things didn’t quite measure up (as they never will, 100% of the time), I felt compelled to go out and find something that rivaled the ‘thing’ that was making me so envious.

Envy. This was (and still is, sometimes), the root of my spending problems. I’ve had a devil of a time with it, and although I can’t say that I’ve conquered it, my attitude about stuff (mine and other people’s) has begun to shift.

You can’t always believe what you see. In other words, my friend with all of the expensive new clothes may be doing just fine financially. However, I happen to know that her husband’s income decreased substantially a few years ago, and she is now the primary breadwinner. She’s still contributing to her retirement account and saving for her kids’ college educations, but they also have a hefty home equity loan and needed an extension to pay their taxes this year. Although she still looks like someone who is earning $250,000 a year, in reality, she and her husband probably make closer to $100,000---still wonderful---but perhaps not so great that she can continue buying $150 sandals and $195 sweaters forever.

You don’t always want what someone else has. In the case of my brother and his wife, they’re both doctors and can afford a week in Italy. But my brother goes to work at 6:30 a.m. and gets home around the same time each evening---every day, including some weekends. Do I want that? No, not really. Not even for a week in Italy. My brother and sister-in-law work hard for their large salaries, but they don’t get much vacation time. I make peanuts and get over a month of paid vacation—more than that with paid holidays included. Maybe I’m not going to Italy anytime soon, but I have the freedom to take a random day off to sit in the sun on my back deck, and that can be just as good (okay, maybe not JUST as good, but that’s what I’m telling myself).

The Joneses aren’t really paying that much attention to you. Instead, they’re looking toward the Smiths, and their new Cadillac Escalade. That means that my old, 1995 sedan with the scratches and the funny noise isn’t really as humiliating as it seems to be when I’m passing my neighbors with the shiny new car. They’re not even considering me as part of the ‘competition’, and that’s a good thing---it gives me instant freedom to drive whatever I want, no matter how old and unattractive.

Be honest. Letting people know that your goals have changed may help avoid some of the “look at my expensive new . . . . “ conversations that seem to happen far too often. Perhaps it will even inspire change and frugality in your family and friends, and you can come together for common experiences, rather than a show-and-tell session in which the goal is to one up each other. Personally, I’m still working on this one—my family’s reaction to my goal of financial independence was one of ridicule and disbelief. They may someday shift into hesitant curiosity, but they’re not there yet, so I’ll need to be patient.

Be grateful for what you have, or, compare yourself to those who have (or seem to have) less. I used to work with a man who had an accident when he was in his early 20’s, leaving him in a wheelchair for life. He was (and still is!) a lovely, intelligent, humorous man, who definitely struggled with his physical challenges, but who also lived life to its fullest. When feeling sorry for myself, I would think of him and the challenges life has thrown to him, and gain a little perspective. The same goes for my possessions. Maybe I don’t drive the shiniest, prettiest car in town. But I have a car. And it’s paid for. Maybe I don’t shop at Nordstrom or Saks. But I can choose from probably 25 different outfits each morning, and that’s about 24 more than most people in the world. I don’t make a lot of money, but I have a secure job with health benefits. For these things, I am grateful.

I can’t say that I’ll ever beat envy, or that it’s even possible. I think it’s a normal human reaction, in fact. However, understanding what triggers my own feelings of envy has helped me to control the urge to pull out the credit card every time I pass Banana Republic (or Macy’s, or Ann Taylor, or . . . you get the point). My wardrobe may be a little less varied, but my bank account and sense of self are growing exponentially as a result, and that’s worth more than the momentary satisfaction of having the ‘best, newest, shiniest’ anything.